The mighty Old Bar Unicorns are shaping up to be one of the best teams of any year, any sport, any where and of all time. Come and show some love as we try to raise cash to train with real footballs instead of the empty stubbies that we tape together to kick around on Dogshit Park (Hallowed home of The Unicorns). Members of The Unicorns will be gracing the stage of The Old Bar to help support this worthy cause. Mikelangelo & The Tin Star Featuring Saint Clare will be headlining (Mikelangelo was the star recruit this year but he got injured fighting bears in his spare time so has been relocated to lifting team morale with his anthemic tales of wonder), Cash Savage & The Last Drinks in the center (The coach of The Unicorns plus a few goal kickers) and starting the night off will be The Litchfield Hallstars that contain not one, not two but all three of the mighty Walsh siblings that help make The Unicorns so formidable. Then DJ Dairy will be bringing his soulful tunes to the DJ Slot (There is a concern that he might even take a speccy on the decks as he can't help himself from growing wings and hittin g the heights in each match). Awards will be given in between acts. Fear the fantasy people, fear the fantasy.

FRIDAY 4th JUNE
8:30pm $10

CORNS HORN LIONS, TOTE TRIUMPHANT, LABOUR IN VAIN

God loves pub football. He proved it on Sunday by destroying Mike Larkan's farcical prediction of a cloudy afternoon immediately. The sun blazed down on Gillon Park Oval to welcome the real community cup: Renegade Pub Football league. A cup we can all drink from- a big red sherrin cup of dreams and heavy bench rotation. The story of the afternoon was The Unicorns chalking up their first win in style. Attacking down the wing and bulldozing their way from the arc to the goalmouth, they ran over courageous first gamers The Birmingham Lions in an epic struggle. It was a show of the heart and pride that has won the Old Bar team so many fans. Famous for their banners, the Corns have now done an all time first in the history of the game: The HALF TIME RUN THROUGH (Xavier TwoDicks was late because it took him so long to make). The Lions had some serious dash, played in a great spirit and showed a little of that ol' skinhead temper in the last quarter. Welcome aboard Birmi, you are Neo Nazis no more.

Final Score:

UNICORNS 6.8.44

LIONS 2.6.18

Tom McGuigan's new look Eye Gouge were particularly composed before the game. A quiet club- renowned for speed, a silky midfield and massive ruckman. Ex-Captain Max Kohane stalked the sidelines in a fever- when he wasn't eating his hand, he went off like Dogman on ACA ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7XNlgwUNKjs ) . Meanwhile Sabo snuck in the rooms for a quiet rev-up and took a quiet viewing spot in front of the Tote bench, kinda like a quiet coach that yells. The East are the best starters in the RPFL and the worst finishers. They slammed an early goal only to be held goalless until the games dying minutes, ruing the missed opportunities. Tote captain Banjo's run off the half back set up several attacks and the gold class forwards made sure it was a comfortable win.

Final score:

TOTE 6.5.41

EAST 2.4.16

Veteran backman Serious Joe Kokomo ices up: Pub Footy style.

The Labour did it tough in its first game- club CEO Rob Anderson tore a calf in the first quarter and Captain Cam "Lucky" Smith hurt himself putting his shorts on. This reportedly cut the bench to 2 players-making it virtually impossible to win when the fitness levels are fair shades of shithouse. Tough to judge The Pain in light of their stuttered start, and Bats Captain Snoop Mitchell declares his club is not getting ahead of themselves. The Bats set their sights for the glittery fantasy: an in-form Unicorn.

Final Score:
BATS 9.7.61

PAIN 0.1.1

Overall- the perfect day to welcome in the season-Thanks to Snoop and Banjo, the 2 new clubs, Joel Old Bar, the umps, Trevor, goal umps Andy Fants, Sabo and the dude in the ECSR t shirt- the groundstaff as well as The North Old Boys for letting us in. There were no ambulances, no fights and no dickheads. Let's keep it that way.

ALSO: Thanks to The editors of Footy Record- what a great surprise! You can contribute to the game day zine at donzakong@gmail.com

Round Two

1- Bats vs Corns

2- Eye Gouge vs Lions (BLOCKBUSTER BROTHER V BROTHER GRUDGE MATCH)

3- Tote vs Pain

the birmingham lion, the witch and the wardrobe

BATS RUCKMAN TAKES OUT RAFFLE

Veteran Bats Ruckman Sammy Moore has demolished the opposition in Sunday's Muppet Show Raffle. After turning up late and scoring a free ticket in the charity event- Sammy's night started slow. Sore from training and toasted to take the pain away, Sammy was banned early from eating his missus' chips. It turned out to be a minor setback on the road to the holy grail. The grand prize of an original Kamahl Gold Record was snapped up and held firmly in his vice like grip- all night long, no-one was even allowed to look at it. In winning the raffle, Sammy has beaten such opposition as Andy Portokalis, Micky No-teeth and Johanna Greenway. Solid work Sammy, see you on Sunday.

Better to have played and gouged, than to have never gouged at all.

Read the Herald Sun on any Monday morning and it becomes pretty obvious what an eye gouger is. Namely any St Kilda/Collingwood/Bats player on King Street at 2am who can't file a comb or souvlaki into some sort of shanking device. An Eye Gouger on a footy field is a whole other proposition. Representing the pride and pide of East Brunswick these dudes and dudettes clad in warrior black put their non private health insured bodies on the line. Imagine Glen Archer in face camouflage or Cameron Ling wishing he had some. Hang on to your retina's because in 2010 the Eye Gouge are here to do some damage. We've sharpened both our fingernails and outside 50 kicking skills.

After a couple of successful training runs lead by club stalwart Tom McGuigan, the team is looking fit and fresh for the new season. With the welcome return of veterans including SpazzGash, DX, Surf Rat, GRose, Hughesie, Beno, Jacko and Tom III we are looking forward to a big year. Mix that with the tactical/leadership skills of Woody and Crumbs as well as some strong recruiting during the off season– Maggot, Lachie Left Foot , Phil No Name and Donza "the Don" Donzaretti (who Emma Quayle rates in in her top 5 draft prospects) we feel comfortable in announcing the club's new five year plan. A plan that unlikes Richmond's is simpler and a hell of a lot more achievable. Win the Premiership for the next five years straight. A tall ask yes, but with a mid field that runs like a well oiled late model Tarago-minus the passengers- and a tall forward combination that draws similarities to Roughie and Buddy circa 2008, we are match fit and raring to go.

Do you want to be part of a winning team? The East is looking for new recruits for the upcoming season. If you are looking to join a fun, family friendly football club, look no further than the Eye Gouge. Besides, even just a couple of games pretty much guarantees you placement in 'Our Team of The Century'. Training is every Thursday night and Sunday arvo at Fleming Park Oval, Albert St-just down from the East Brunswick Club. Be part of the Gouge or get a gouge. It's up to you.

Email lifeandlifeonly@gmail.com to get on the list.

"Dude, dude, dude! Just gouge the fuckin eyes"

-Tim “Dundee” Scott, 1st round draft pick 2010.

HAZY SHADE OF WINTER

BATS PRE-SEASON MARRED BY KILLER WEED.

ICON DISMISSED

End of an era. As Bruce Milne emotionally and publicly sells revered artefacts from The Tote Hotel, there is another item of furniture facing permanent removal. Veteran Tote Hotel Head Coach Steven "Sabo" Sabatino ( H.C 2007-2009) has been relieved of his duties by active new captain Banjo O Shannessy. No-one is safe with the new look Tote in 2010. There is speculation of a complete re-assessment of club staff and Captain Cleanup is certainly swinging the axe as the new floors are laid in the ol' Tote Hotel.

As a player, Sabo has his roots in the Ivanhoe Amateurs. His game was crafted in the ruck from the under 11's but as the formative years made their impact- his growing actually reversed and spent most his time for Heidelberg in the Diamond Valley being run over like a cat on the highway. Like most pub footballers- he chose music instead. An underground virtuoso in classical guitar, Sabo wandered through the next few decades in various jazz-bands, playing corporate functions, reluctantly performing and dj-ing on the side. He was alone with his coachinglessness. In 2007 he was approached by modern-era THFC founder Reggie with a staggering offer: "Sabo- I want you as coach cos you know fuck all about footy".

Sabo has a win-loss ratio of 4-1 over 3 years and has stated the infamous loss to Bar Open in 2008 a career low-point:

"I was a very emotional Coach during the 3 seasons I was there. Loved seeing them win and win well! The one defeat we suffered at the hands of our Nemesis ( Bar Open) was just too much for me!!"

Regrets. He's had a few: "I hated seeing any player getting hurt and regret I was unable to manage the inclusion of women in our team".

So what does the future hold? Anonymous sources report the self-governed / player-coached Bar Open side is overflowing in the pre-season and on a dark path towards a Lord-Of-The-Flies type scenario at Arden St. Perhaps the Birmingham Hotel is seeking a leader of experience? Rumours quashed immediately by Sabatino:

"I would never Coach another Pub other than the Tote. They are best blokes I have had the privilege to lead."

"My fondest memories aside from winning is having Kat Spazzy as runner! I would send Kat out with messages to players and she would bring back messages from players like 'stick it up ya arse' ".

Prior to Season 2010, Banjo has reported Sabo's current role with the club as "mentoring and motivational / spiritual leader". Since 2007, Sabo has been undefeated in Pub Footy's BDOG award. (Best Dressed On Ground). Onya mate. March on brother.